Is It You, Is It Me?

My daughter constantly sings this stupid song and one of the lyrics is “Is it you? Is it me?” It’s annoying, but it’s appropriate for today’s post, where I want to talk about the differences between people and whether people, especially people in relationships, are obligated to change for their partner.

The impetus for this post comes from my mulling over whether or not I want to be with my wife. We are currently separated, each living in our own apartments, but we have been trying to reconcile. The thing is, I’m not convinced we should be together at all, mainly due to personality differences.

This was driven home to me by the fact that, during my weeks where I have the kids, she doesn’t make much of an effort to see me or them. Instead, she spends her time working and going out with her friends. She likes to get dressed up, go out to clubs and restaurants, and be OUT THERE. She wants to be seen and suffers from the need for approval from others. I remember a lyric from a 90’s band, the Stone Roses, which goes “I wanna be adored”. That’s her to a ‘T’.

And the thing is, *my* adoration isn’t enough. My adoration for her is a given, a known quantity. What excites her, what motivates her, is the adoration of others. She’s an Instagram addict and is always looking for the most flattering and composed shot. It’s so plastic and fake, but at the same time, maybe I’m making a mountain out of a molehill?

The real problem is that *I* don’t like to dress up all fancy. I prefer shorts and flip-flops and a t-shirt! I have no desire to go OUT THERE, to impress anyone, or to be adored. I would rather be with those I love and spend my time and attention on them. But it’s not all nobility… I also am very shy and feel socially uncomfortable. You’d never know it from meeting me. I’m pretty good at hiding my shyness and being social, but it’s a lot of work for me and exhausts me. Classic introvert, I guess!

What’s interesting is that my wife is naturally shy as well. But it seems she has aspirations to be an extrovert! I have no such dreams. I know who I am and, nearing the big 5-oh, it’s doubtful that’s going to change much. The end result is that we are pulling in two different directions, each wanting something VERY different from the other. There’s also the issue that my field, software engineering, is all-consuming. I made a lot of effort since I got married to try to compartmentalize my life since I got married, to keep work at work, and have an actual life outside of work. But I don’t think that’s a recipe for success in this industry. The thing is, if you don’t live and breathe software engineering, you’ll always be average. And that’s fine, but who wants to settle for that? I don’t. Her job (dental assistant) doesn’t require study in off-hours. It doesn’t require having to take classes, learn new frameworks, keep up on the latest versions. Software engineering is just one constant, wild ride to try to keep abreast of a massive, moving wave. Take a few years “off” and you’ll be left hopelessly behind.

But back to the point: is my wife wrong for wanting to do the things she wants to do? Of course not. She is much younger than me and the cliche is in full operation: she wants to go out and have fun while I want to stay home. But I don’t think this is a “stage” she will grow out of. We have two young children and she’s willing to leave them now with no compunctions or guilt or regrets or consideration for the person who is left with the responsibility of caring for them. As the kids get older and more independent, she’ll have even less incentive to stay home with them. And the older members of her group still go out regularly even though their well past their sale date. This is who she is and, while she is free to be who she is, I have to be free to be me as well.

At the end of the day, your partner has to lift you up, make you feel good about yourself, respect you, and, yes, even adore you. They should bring out your best qualities and make you the best person you can be. I don’t feel my wife does that with me. I often feel depressed, detached, angry, or neglected. Cutting myself off from her will be hard because of course I have strong feelings for her after 5 years of marriage and two children, but I think it’s my most sure path to happiness. And it will probably lead to a happier life for her as well. She needs someone who wants to be OUT THERE and who doesn’t miss their children (and they won’t be his children anyways, so that’ll work out nicely!) and doesn’t want to be with them. And I need someone who WANTS to be part of an actual family, where the family is the main focus and the one you spend your actual time on. To find out what a parent truly values, give them free childcare for a week and see what they do. They will tell you. All you have to do is open your eyes and see.